False Identity – Good Girl to God’s Girl Series (#2)

13 Oct
“Have you ever failed?”
The question stopped me. Made me pause.  A coach asked me this question one morning while I was in over-analysis mode about a car purchase. Should I or shouldn’t I? I didn’t want to make a mistake.
Pride.
A vehicle purchase of all things. This is what I was spending my time discussing.
Measures. The cost. The value. The smart thing to do.
But that question: Have you ever failed? It jolted me. It shifted my perspective. Those words forced me to realize where my identity rested.
Me. What I did. Performance. Being Right.
The answer was yes. I’d recently failed in a business. And I wanted to avoid any type of failure ever again. It stung. It tasted bad. It dented the armour of me.
“I was tired of acting free when I was not, tired of acting strong when I was in fact weak.” That’s a quote from Lisa Bevere’s book Out of Control and Loving It, and it depicts exactly where I lived at the time.
The car discussion was a snapshot of the pressure I put on myself in everyday life.  I had gotten so accustomed to doing the “right” things and living an “obedient” life, that it’d become a false identity for me.
People unintentionally reinforced my performance-based identity. They’d say how efficient, reliable, loyal I was.
Nothing wrong with that, except for what they couldn’t see on the inside.
I was focused on tasks. I didn’t focus on God. I knew right from wrong. I’d invited Jesus into my heart at age nine. I went to church every week. I listened to christian radio.
I also ran my own life within a box of do’s and don’ts.
I didn’t spend precious time satisfying myself in God. I was only satisified by tangible tasks being done. Items crossed off a long list. Bank account balances showing progress. Anything I could measure. Something I could control.
That same day, I developed a mantra. “Being Right Is Not Who I Am.” I repeated it to myself over and over. Especially when I felt the perfectionist rising inside.
It may sound silly, but for a good girl who fell into the trap of always trying to do the right thing, it was groundbreaking. Paradigm shifting. It also created the obvious question: Who am I?
When my coach asked me this, I said, “Just another child of God.”
Lord, forgive me for the word “just.” What a gift that I am yours and that is everything. You are more than enough.
That’s where my journey from good girl to God’s girl really took off.
What are you more hungry for than God? What attaches itself to you, good or bad, as your identity that’s not from God?

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Life: Unmasked

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4 Responses to “False Identity – Good Girl to God’s Girl Series (#2)”

  1. Lynn October 17, 2011 at 5:45 pm #

    This is great stuff!! I’m loving this series. Thank you for being so transparent.

    • Jeanette Edgar October 17, 2011 at 8:15 pm #

      I appreciate the encouragement, Lynn. Feels like walking down memory lane with God to develop these posts, and it serves as a caution for my heart against old tendencies. I’m praising Him for how far He’s brought me in relationship, holding tight to go forward!

  2. patsy October 19, 2011 at 7:57 pm #

    Hi Jeanette, you’re beautiful inside and out! Love the honesty and vulnerability you show in your post!

    • Jeanette Edgar October 19, 2011 at 7:59 pm #

      Thank you so uch for the lovely encouragement! My God has brought me so far, and we aren’t stopping here 🙂

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