A Dream

6 May

Lonely. Feeling lonely, Lord.

I’m spending my time talking to you so much of the days. But not being quiet enough, still enough. More time to listen at your feet, sweet Jesus. More time in your word while the rest of the house is quiet. Before everyone is stirring.

A few nights ago, I woke up crying. My chest hurt from trying to hold back sobs. In my dream, I was either wanting to or actually trying to hug my mama. In my dream, I was trying to stifle my cries so my dad wouldn’t hear me. I remember thinking in my dream, it’s been since December that I got to touch her, her soft smooth skin, and hug her sweet frame.

In reality, it’s been more than a year. Today, it’s been 1 year, 1 month and 1 day since I caressed her hands, kissed her lips and soothed her restlessness as best I could. In reality, when I awoke the other night, the aching in my chest was real, the tears on my face were streaming. I let the sobs out.

Maybe more of my loneliness has to do with this than I reliaze. Maybe I’ve avoided my quiet, still times to avoid those feelings. Maybe I love her more than ever before. And maybe I love you, too, my Lord Jesus, more than I could have if I’d walked this earth with you in physical form. And when I’m with you forever in paradise, I’ll treasure and adore you more than I’d have been able to if there hadn’t been this separation, this longing for you first. And because of your grace, I’ll also treasure that new life alongside my sweet mama, treasure it more than if I’d never tasted this bitter separation.

That’s my dream for the future. You hold it in your hands. Until then, I praise you.

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